awkward

Well....Right now, My mom is yelling from upstairs.
My dog has been barking constantly and my mom is throwing a old woman tantrum :/
Currently, my mom is using some of her most vulgar language...
"Shit"
"Stupid dog"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"
"I'll cut your mouth off, if you keep barking"
Well this is a rough translation of what she is saying....
But since my Chinese is sorta rough around the edges...
I'm not sure how accurate this is.

Also, I should be going to sleep.
but, I have something on my mind that I want to write about. :/
~~~~

First of all, I'm an awkward person especially around people I don't know well.
And when I mean awkward I mean.. terribly awkward.... (Its quite embarrassing).

Okay this is what happened.
My friend wanted me to come to this Christian type of youth group thing today.
I would honestly have rejected it. But since she asked so nicely, I couldn't resist.

SO anyways....
I went to the youth group thing which was at someone's house.
I was greatly welcomed. Some people hugged and greeted me.
BUt... afterwards.... it became extremely awkward.
I sorta just stood randomly around the house.
And tried to listen and pretend to laugh at things I didn't thought was funny.

When I tried to talk to people, my voice became shaky. I became really nervous.
When they sang songs, I didn't know the lyrics.
Everyone was overly nice.
TOo nice.
too friendly.
too _____>..
Too....
The best way to describe it...
everyone was like perfectly cut out dolls.
I felt suffocated.
I was like the imperfect doll out of the million perfect dolls.
~~

Homework hell.

My new motto is "screw this shit."
I don't care anymore.
It's too difficult.
I have a....
geometry quiz-friday
geography test-thurs.
ela project due- friday......

so on........

wed. I will start cramming everything in for geography...
if I have time I will work on my ela project and study for geometry quiz.....

thurs. I will finish ela project and study for geometry quiz...

friday... hopefully nothing.

Highschool is blah....

FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
FMLx10000000
fuck.my.life
I need a shirt that says that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
I really hate highschool.
It's definitely not what I expected..........

First of all, there aren't any koreans in my highschool.
Not a single one.
There aren't any F.O.B.S.
There aren't any cool asians...... only the nerdy ones that have no clue about kpop or asian celebs..
To be honest, there aren't any people I want to meet in my shitty highschool.
The highschool I go to is so fucking trashy and dirt poor.
my school= a trashcan.

Just the other day, I saw puke/ketchup on top of the ceiling.......
YUCK.
~
I'm also feeling like an outcast.
I don't fit in with any of my old friends from middle school.
I'm not as loud anymore and don't say unnecessary things.
And when theres an awkward silence... it just stays that way....

I tried hanging out with this girl, I knew somewhat well...
But talking about "bigbang", guys, and clothes... a gazillon times...
... it does get boring....

Pain

I haven't updated in a while.
stupid school has kept me busy.
Right now, I'm in the worst pain I ever been in my life.
My mom had to leave to work immediately after they too out my wisdom

I.need.to.smile.

Today is one of the days I like to call my "shit" days.
I feel like shit, smell like shit, and look like shit.
Okayyyy maybe that's a little exaggerated
but, nonetheless... I feel like.... yuck.
..
Usually, I can understand my emotions.
But today, They are tangled up in an confusing, permanent ... knot.
And no matter how hard I try... I can't untangle the knot.
~
Right now,..
I want to cry to ease the pain, but no tears are coming out.
I want to figure out what exactly is this "Pain" that's lingering on my mind, because this "pain" is stabbing my heart over and over again.
~

Long Summer Days

I will miss being able to stay up as late as 4:00 am and waking up at 12:00pm.
I will miss laying in bed all day and staring at the clouds.
I will miss the worry-free,care-free,peaceful,relaxing days.
Summer comes and goes so quickly that I almost forget.
~~
Towards the end of every August (when school is about to start), my brother would ask me " 1 out of 10, what would you rate this summer?" I usually would angrily snap back , " Durrrr, This summer was so boring, of course it deserves a "1"."
But, this year, I said something different.

"ummm, I think this summer is okay"
" we didn't go to Hawaii, California, or New york, like our friends did, but we had fun here"
"a ten out of ten!!"
~~
I guess, I'm starting to appreciate the little things in life, lmao.

cheapstake mom/deodorant

She expects me to be perfect.
Well, newsflash, no one is perfect.
Especially, a kid, with the memory equivalent of an old man's.
~~
Today, Walmart was filled with kids and adults fighting for cheap school supplies.
I lazily grabbed the first binder I saw. Fortunately, it was in good condition.
My mom quickly paced around the store, and looked for other "supplies" I might need.
In the end, we self-checked out one thick white binder, and powder fresh deodorant.
My crappy brain forgot to tell me to take the other bag which held my deodorant.
So, we ended up driving all the way back to Walmart.

The drive back to walmart wasn't filled with peace, though. My mom decided to give me a big lecture on how stupid I am, how un-independent I am, how I depend on others too much, how I'm having princess syndrome even though we are poor, how my brother is so much better than me, and how I'm not going to be successful in the future. While, she was giving me this so-called important lecture, I was trying to drown her words out with the music that was playing in the car's radio. so.....We went back into the store, she made a scene, she embarrassed me, and we left with powder fresh deodorant .
~~~
aggg *sighs* so much trouble for deodorant.
I blame it on my brain.
~~~
On a lighter note, I'm going to High school in 3 days.

- Too Troubled by Raine yang-

I can really relate to this song.

English translation
The same make-up
The same hair
Everyone looks alike that it’s so boring
Instead of copying from magazines why not think of a style yourself?
Instead of copying a celebrity why not try something new?
Everyone has their own unique thing that is stronger than anyone else’s
If you’re not so pretty than put more effort into your makeup
When you can’t do anything about your weight, work hard to always give a smile

I'm troubled that being too passive is not good
I'm troubled that being too reckless isn’t good either
Troubled that my confidence is wavering
Troubles troubles that I push myself to a dead end
I'm troubled that being too smart is not good
Troubled that being stupid is even worse
Troubled that no one can understand me
Troubles, Troubles, the pain of having too many worries

Don’t let yesterday become a barrier
Use today as your wings
You can lose your love but you mustn’t give up your desire for happiness
Better bring an umbrella with you if you’re secretly in love in case of a light rain or heavy snow
Love is like high heel shoes, the prettier they the easier it is to fall
It’s hard to avoid getting hurt but the important thing is not to leave a scar behind
I won’t be afraid if there is no shadow of past
For my dreams I’ll keep on going

Boring books.

Generally, I despise reading. The only "books" I can read are the fanfixs from soompi.
But, unfortunately, I am required to read a book about dead Greek people and mangoes for highschool. I tried to began reading the dead greek people book.. but it's like reading a dictionary.
A dictionary in a foreign language.

The mango book, on the other hand, is actually decent.

My favorite food.

I love Phở!!
It's really yummy, and surprisingly, I can finish a large bowl.
If you haven't tried it, You must!!

Life is what you make out of it.

Yesterday, I was angry, unhappy, just really feeling ughhhh, so I decided to rant about it in the Having a bad day thread. Later, I went back to the thread and came across an interesting post, "some people need to realize that a negative outlook on life isn't gonna help anything....sure, just keep being mad at how sucky your life is, but you're only making it worse"
Even though, the post wasn't directed toward me; it made me realize that sulking about my life constantly wasn't/ isn't doing me any good.
Also, I realized that my post wasn't just about "having a bad day" but rather complaining about how bad my life is. (when it really isn't that terrible).
Then, I decided to look back, "was I always like this.?
So, I thought back to 7th grade...
7th grade was when I was on top of the world.
friends, school-wise, confidence.. ect..
But, then 8th grade came and I started to crash down.
I started to care too much about how I look, I became jealous of friends, I
was falling behind in school barely making A's.
I was slacking off in life.
~~~
"Life is what you make out of it." someone wise once told me.
And for the past year and a half, I haven't made the "best out of my life."
So starting from today, I'm going try to think more positive. (that includes my blog tooxD)
~~
IN 13 days, I'm going to be in High school. Honestly, I don't like the school I'm going to, But it could be worse. So, that's a positive thought.lmao
~~
If your curious, this is what I posted in the "Having a bad day" thread.. yesterday.
~~

8-10-09

My computer breaks down.
I spend hours fixing it.

His or her computer breaks down.
He or She begs mommy and daddy for a new one.
"*shining eyes* can I get a new computer pleasseee?"
"Sure thing Honey"
~
I arrive at school soaked from the rain. Because, my parents are too busy making the few pennies that won't help nothing.

He or she steps out of the silver benz without a drop of rain on his or her body.
~

I eat ramen all alone while watching dramas about broken love.

While, They eat home-cooked meals while chatting about their day.
with laughs,smiles, prayer.
~
I cry, scream, am lost.

Content, They know their place in life.
~
My friendships are untrue. filled with lies too deep that cannot be dug out of.

They have something genuine. heartwarming. something real. what I always needed.
~
I run away trying to find peace. But, mom and dad are more disappointed.

They point and laugh at the likes of me.
~
Why am I still here?
The little bit of life that I have.. is because I want my future to be bright.

.Peace .

I'm a rotten cookie.

Cookies are delicious when they are just baked.
Fresh, yummy and taste like a slice of heaven.
But when they are rotten.... they are stale and sometimes poisonous.
The rotten cookie. The cookie that no one wants to put in their mouth. Not even a 5 year old kid with an intense sugar rush.
The cookie that some poor person eats because of a dare.
The cookie that the girl scouts can't even sell.
Because It's poisonous inside and out.
Unfortunately, once a cookie becomes rotten...
you can't unrot it.
It becomes rotten forever.

"Your daughter will fail at life"

Guess what everyone?????
I will fail at life!!!!!!!
~
My mom basically told me that one of her "friends" thinks that I won't be successful in life and that my brother would be on top. Okay, that sorta brought me down. Like a fucking mile down.
You know what's funny.. her "friend" is a church freak and an old guy.
I mean, you always here the sayings "Respect your elders" "old people are wise" ect...ect.
Well, he makes old people look bad. VERY BAD.

MY mom said, he "predicted" my future when she invited him to attend one of my brother and I's swimming lessons.
WHAT THE FUDGE CAKES?!
I guess he saw my brother who shined amongst them all when he finished with first place.
And he saw me barely reaching reaching the end of the pool.


But I also blame my mom... she always feeds shit to that old man's brain.
I hear her talking on the phone and say, " My daughter ran away from home once."
"She never does work." "All shes good at is school"
"my daughter blahblahblah"

All these things are sorta exaggerated.. sure.. I "Ran" away from home once. Sure I never do chores. Sure sure sure... But she exaggerates the story to make herself look good.

AGGG, stupid old man.
I should stop worry about what other people think of me.
TO the hell with it.
I should do whatev I want.!
Who gives a care!!
My new motto is , "Who gives a care"!

life

life bores me,sometimes.
Sometimes it feel like I go through a daily schedule that doesn't stop.
Sometimes I don't look forward to the next day.. cause it will just be the same.
I want to live a life out of the ordinary... but how will I accomplish that..
being restrained in this worthless little box;

Parents

My rents hate eachother.
Not just hate. It's beyond hate.
It's to the point where they can't be standing in the same room without an outburst.
And, although my parents never officially divorced.. It always feels like it. But I'm not sad.


My mom married my dad for money and looks. And my dad married my money for her beauty.
I guess karma eventually stabs you in the back cause now my parents are poor and have two ugly children.
So people heed my warning.... don't marry for superficial reasons or the karma god would bite you back.

I don't want to go to Killer Hell School

Why oh why do I have to go to friggin... Killer Hell school.
How am I going to met fobs if I go to killer helll school!!!!!!
WHy couldnt I go to memorial,dulles,bellaire, or even clements???
It's enough hell already having bad relations from some people in middleschool...
but to see them again in highschool,,... aiya yuck!!!!

2 gorgeous parents and 1 ugly child.

When you walk down the street, and you see two gorgeous, magazine-equivalent, celebrity-status adults walking hand and hand, you go Ahhh! But, as your eyes dart to their ugly four year old girl and 3 year old boy, you began to think.... " Are those kids from Mars cause they sure look like martians?"
~~
You know what.., I always wondered why I'm so damn average/below average/ or just plain ugly compared to my parents when they were my age. Emphasize my age.
I mean, look at me.... I look like a frigging mutated alien. No joke.
My theory is that God got tired of painting and sculpting the doll's faces.
So he randomly gave a couple of thousand dolls to his unartistic angels.
The unartistic angels eventually got tired of painting and sculpting dolls.
(Cause its a tiring job)
So they randomly gave them to the commoners on Earth.
To be quite frank, the commoners sculpted and painted the worst.

That's how ugly, pretty, average humans were created.
The pretty humans were created by the might god himself.
The average-0s were created by the unartistic angels.
The ugly people which include me... were created by commoners on Earth.

If god only never got tired of creating dolls, than the whole world would look physically pretty.

Stand up for oneself

I wish I have the power to standup for myself!
The power to yell!
The power to say no!
Writing this makes me fucking mad.
Cause, I wanted to smack that old asian lady in the face. (evil but true)
Anyways, one day My mom was being nice so we got to go to ROSS DRESS FOR LESS.
Ross dress for less is a wonderful place to shop for poor girls like me.
they have nice cheap clothes! I was digging through the racks, and found 18 gorgeous clothes!
I just had to try them on!!! After trying them on, I realized they didn't fit me. Oh well.
So I decided to give them to the old asian lady, whos job is to..... place the clothes back on the hangers and hang them back on the rack. Because she was being fucking lazy... She told me to place the clothes back on the hangers....
All she did was just place the already hanged clothes randomly on a rack.!!!
WTF!@SS!
You know what..
I wished I told her, "Hell no, I'm not hanging clothes cause you are too lazy to hang them up"
"You choose this job, its your responsiblity"
"You know what, you make the whole ross shitty"
BUT instead, being the quiet girl....
I was said..
"okay"

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
Next time I'm going to stand up for myself!

Hypocrite.

According to Merriam-Webster, a hypocrite is a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feeling... and according to that... it means I'm clearly a hypocrite. )::::::::
In my profile, I said.. I did not want to fit into the "perfect" mold yet I want to be a perfect girl. (see last post).

Highschool just seems so intimidating. Everyone, seems to be having a "summer makeover"
to become gorgeous. And, if I don't do that. I"m going to turn into... who knows what. Maybe, a hairy,tan,monster who watches dramas 24/7. Ha, maybe I'll just hide under a rock during the first day of school. I'm being serious. Dead serious. If I don't accomplish my goal, I'm going to wear a potato sack as a dress, and a paper bag as my makeup. I have to accomplish my goal!!!

Operation:perfect girl

I have a badcase of cpu. MY computer is what I'm on 24/7 now...
sad isn't it.. nah, more like pathetic.
I feel like I'm rotting all my precious,wonderful,memory-making, summers away.
I could be doing something more productive such as "Operation:Perfect girl"
Basically,operation:PERFECT girl is to become nearly perfect in one summer.
Meaning smart, pretty, a good personality. But how the hell would my goal be accomplished if I'm on the computer 24/7....

not accomplished yet
1. better fashion sense
2. become smarter.
3. more confidence.
4. better hair
5. .......better face ):
yah! this is frustrating me!!!


Edittt: 7.30.09
None of this happened...yet T_T

Shopping trip

okay..
Today my goal is to not have high hopes.
Whenever I have high expectations for something to turn out well, and when it doesn't... I just crash and burn...
Something as simple as a shopping trip... turned wrong...can ruin my whole day.. b/c there's nothing much exciting in my life. And then I expect something to be so wonderful..... and half the time it isnt...
u might think I should have learned my lesson now...?
But I don't..
I continue to hope for the better..
I should follow my motto more often... "hope for the best, prepare for the worst"
I keep forgetting to prepare for the worst.

...... I'll update you guys on how well/or how badly it turns out....

Swimming

Edit 7/30/09:
Overall, my experience for my swimming lessons is a 9 out of 10.
The great part of swimming lessons is that I gained more than swimming.
I learned that......
1. First impressions do count.
During the first few lessons, I was unwilling to do anything that involved putting my head in the water, because I was scared of drowning. Unfortunately, the teacher didn't really take my fear of drowning seriously and thought I was not trying. When I conquered my fear of drowning and started to try, she treated me differently compared to the other students. Bascially, I was nothing more than a dead bug to her.

2. It's a "every man for her/himself world"
No one in my class was nice enough to help me.. not even my own blood-related brother );
I learned to depend on myself. I put in e-xtra time and went to my community pool to practice until my arms and legs went black and blue.

3. Jealousy is hard to overcome.
I was jealous of everyone in my class.
But I was extremely jealous of the highschooler because she just understood everything quickly.
I would hate being next to her in the swimming pool because she would tell me... " I don't get this"
"This is hard" And the very next moment, She would do it perfectly.. and get looks of admiration from her peers and praise from the teacher.
Now, I realize that I may not be the "star" of swimming but I have own talents ;D
~~~~~~~
6.29.09
I frigging hate swimming.
I can't even emphasize my hate for it.
First off, My teacher sucks.
I'm just going to tell you straight up...
She sucks at teaching.
... or maybe she just likes little kids better.
I don't think she's taking my fear of drowning very seriously.
I almost drowned for fucking sakes. I mean, do you expect me to swim as a dolphin...(and commit fully)
2 years ago...I almost drowned... I gasped for air for 45 seconds... was sinking and had no way uppp... I almost died.... (but thankfully... he pulled me up).
How the hell would I jump in to the lesson without any hesitation.. ):::

She moves on so quickly with each lesson... and it seems like she doesn't care...
if others are left behind.. (I'm not like my brother at all.. I don't dive in with each lesson.. )
I don't think she cares to teach kids who are fearful of water.. The words she told me were this.. "There's no possible way you can drown in this level of water... you can always stand up" It's so easy for her to say, when she never had a near-death experience. It still haunts me. I'm so fearful of it happening again. Next time, I might not be lucky enough, for someone to save me. I might just drown and be forgotten..

Last week, I cried at my lesson. I just cried...
I didn't cry during my lesson... But afterwards..
During, the lesson we were having a race... and I was the last one...
and then when everyone reached the wall... she began talking.
and completely forgot about me struggling to reach the end of the wall...

ya know, I hate it when people see me or suspect me of crying.
So at the end of the lesson,I told my mom that I wanted to practice more.
I practiced "blowing" bubbles underwater,and each time that I went underwater... I would just cry out of frustration.

And, I hate the stupid people there.
1. my stupid brother. -he won't help me for shit.... and he calls me cuss words... unsupportative brat.
2. the teacher- you wouldn't think shes mean at all.... But, she takes more time and effort, and more care for little kids... (but what the hell do you expect.... "if your little and cute, of course everyone would fall for you" I don't think she takes my questions seriously..
3. the little brats- aka brat#1 brat#2 brat #3...
Brat #1 is a pervy... little kid.. He will probably be a future molestor/rapist. (he's been watching way too many cartoons)
Brat #2 looks like he will turn into a little quiet/emo kid.
Brat #3 is already turning into a prep.

4. the highschooler- okay, she's not that bad.. But man, she won't help me either..
most of the time, she just says " do this do that" ........ gosh, when will the world, realize its "easier said than done'
And sometimes, when I ask for help she will shrug it off... and say "Idk"
... and plus... she helps her little bro...
Well I guess... I should have learned by now.. the world is a selfish place "every man for himself"

Then there's me... I don't get this swimming shit at all.
I don't wanna waste my mom's money..
stupid.. kids stupid teacher.. stupid unfair life....
aggg life isn't fair..
~ttyl

Graphics

Okay, I use to be more obsessed w/ graphics/photoshop....
But, then I lost all interest .. But, once in a while, I feel like creating/messing with images...
And this is something I created.. cause I was bored as hell

The Start.

edittt: 7.30.09
I edited this post because I felt my blog had no beginning. No start.
So here... I am telling you why I felt the need to start this blog.
Reason #1: The Original purpose of this blog was to communicate and re patch with one of my former "best friends."
But that FAILED. Cause I ended up not wanting to "Re patch" a broken friendship
Reason #2: I like writing about me. Especially, when something shitty happens, I just feel inspired.
(haha, That's why my blog seems negative. But trust me, I'm not that negative in real life. More of a realist.

Reason #3: I'm going to high school this year. People say High school are the best and worst years of your life. Some people make shitty decisions that screw up their life. Some of the people succeed and get to graduate wearing that nice blue robe.. ehhh xD
Haha, I wonder what will happen to me.
Reason #4: I need to improve my writing skills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here take a peek of my life through photos..... (below)

My family's rusted,un-used,stupid,bbq grill. I liked it better... when we actually used it...

no explanation needed.. This is my dead pond/lake...

This is just a reflection of my lake. It used to be so alive. Now it is so dead..
About 2 years ago, all the koi and gold fish died.
My house is cursed that's why everything died, just kidding.

I love the sky. The sky is so beautiful and unique. It's never the same. Haha, I remind myself of Yorito in "Sola"
Yorito is fascinated with the sky,hahaha. I"m not that obsessed. But, I still think the sky is wonderful :D
Oh yeah, my stupid tree blocked all of the sky.. But I thought this shot was interesting.

You know what?? I can't believe my dog eats this... It looks better in the photo.. But, it tastes really bad. (I ate one just for the fun of it).
I'm really glad humans have more variety in their food xD